Dona E. Bowens

I’m not working. But I contend that I’m working harder than if I was actually working because I’m faking like I’m working. Do you know how hard that is to do? To fake like you’re working. What chaps my ass is that there’s natural downtime in my job. My boss knows it. I know it. Everybody fucking knows that this job comes with downtime—and a significant amount of it—but nooooooo, I gotta look busy. Why? Who’s benefitting from me “looking busy?”

So, I’ve perfected the art of “looking busy.” With my laptop open I stare worriedly at the screen. When a coworker enters my area, I throw up a distracted, while at the same time, dismissive hand in greeting. To achieve the distracted and dismissive wave, you must combine the parade wave with the get-away-from-me wave for maximum effectiveness. It’s not easy to do, so practice at home in the mirror before trying this wave in the field. And don’t forget the whole time you’re doing the distracted and dismissive wave, you should never break worried eye contact with your computer screen. I’m so masterful at this that one coworker commented, “You’re in the zone, aren’t you,” before backing away.

Oh, I was in the zone, all right. The zone of, “I’m about to stop staring at this screen for a minute so that I can shuffle around these files on my desk for the 3rd time today.” If you’re unlucky enough to not work from home but lucky enough to still have paper files in your office…let me tell you, paper files are the mother of all props for “looking busy.” They must be arranged and alphabetized and weeded out and recycled and copied…man, if done right, paper files can keep you looking busy for weeks. WEEKS, I say.

But I wasn’t just shuffling files, I was looking for a particular file belonging to Oscar. I found Oscar’s file and wrote inside, “Did not arrive for our scheduled appointment today.” See friends, when you’re looking busy, you still have to exercise a little C.Y.A. And we all know what that means. Writing that note in Oscar’s file was my bit of C.Y.A. “I tried to work, don’t you see? But Oscar didn’t show up for his appointment. What can I do?” (Can you see the halo of innocence over my head from where you’re sitting? 0:) )

Oscar didn’t show up for our appointment because I emailed Oscar to set up the appointment and Oscar doesn’t check email except on Leap Year and his birthday. The same can be said for Maria, who missed her appointment as well as Aylia. How can I work if people don’t keep their appointments?

Now that you’ve sat staring, shuffled your files and C.Y.A.’ed, it’s time to really get to looking busy. Grab a few of those files from your desk and hustle out of the office explaining to no one where you’re going. Where you’re going is to get your steps in. Sitting, staring with occasional waving all day is good for no one. So tuck those weights…uh, I mean files…under your arm and set a brisk pace around the building. The pace has to be brisk enough and your face determined enough that no one will think to ask where you’re going. If you’re hauling ass and carrying all those files it must be serious.

Once your laps are done, to complete the okey-doke, when you get back to your desk, throw down your weights, fleights…FILES, in exasperation. Look at your computer screen while doing a cool down stretch bending over the desk and audibly curse so that coworkers can hear you. “Excuse my French,” say to everyone who heard your f-bomb. Say, while point at the computer screen, “People are idiots. Idiots, I tell you!” Nothing says, “working hard,” like exasperation—feigned or otherwise.

If you’re a writer, like me, who works a job to support your writing habit, chillllllld, do you know how many essays, novels, short stories I’ve written while on the clock? More than a few. People see writing going on, either long hand or typing, and just assume that you’re working your ass off. What’s really going on is you’re writing this blog post and hoping you can get it done before the end of the day. And looky there! I’m done…with the post not with the “looking busy.”

I got time, let me go ahead and cue up the novel I’ve been working on…as soon as I finish shuffling these files…again.