Dona E. Bowens

August 4th marked one year since I’ve returned to ‘Merica and during that time, boy oh boy, have I noticed a lot of weird shit. Chief among the weirdness is Christians trying valiantly to get me into the pews. Why don’t Jews recruit me? Or Hindus for that matter? Where my Muslims at trying to bring me closer to Allah? Nada from those religions. But Christians be all up in my business. I have fun with it. I tell the would-be-recruiters that I have a tendency to sweat (like a whore) in church and therefore it’s probably not a good idea that I attend.

But one Christian co-worker asked me to pray for her. She was feeling down and I said I would send up a prayer on her behalf, no problem. I thought she meant to remember her in my prayers as I laid me down to sleep. Oh no, friends. She took my hands in hers, right there at the workplace, in broad daylight, and wanted me to send up a prayer right then and there. I thought to myself, “This shit would NEVER happen in Barcelona. Maybe it’s time to go back?”

Here’s something you should know about me. I’m an unchurched Negro. I didn’t grow up in the church. I don’t know the little nuances that folks raised in church understand. All I have to go on is the churchisms we all get growing up Black in America—like it was in the very air of the ghetto.

Girlfriend needed prayer, so I started improvising and cliche-ing. “Lawd,” I said, “Take (insert name here) in your hands and lift her up!”

“Yes, Lord,” she intoned. I guess I was on the right track so far. “Help her to give over her burdens to you!” More yes lords from my co-worker. I started to get on a roll. “Through you, Lawd, anything is possible and no burden is too heavy.”

“Umph! Yes, Lord!” I would’ve went on, but I remembered that we were at work so I’d best wrap up my performance. And believe me, it was nothing more than a performance. But even so, my co-worker seemed soothed by my oration. It got me to thinking, if push comes to shove, might there be a pulpit in my future? Pass the plate and make a little scratch? I wouldn’t be the first making a buck off of the lord.

You should also know that it wasn’t the first time that someone engaged me in prayer AT WORK. I wonder what would happen if the agnostics and atheists pushed their agendas with equal vigor. Holy Hell would surely break loose.