Dona E. Bowens

I’ve been busy, my friends. Busy trying to educate the youth of America and probably failing miserably. About a month ago, longer now, actually, after some hilarious employment shenanigans which I’ll have to write about another time, I decided to become a full-ish time substitute teacher. It’s the flexibility that I find so satisfying. Problem is, you never know what you’re going to get. Do you know what almost took me out? Subbing kindergarten. Yeah, some of you just said, “Kindergarten is like herding cats.” Yes, there’s that. That along with a new lesson every 15 minutes and all the while dealing with the most insane comments and questions. I’m in the middle of reading a picture book about the Grand Canyon when a little hand goes up. “Yes, little Timmy?” He must have a question about the Grand Canyon, right? Wrong.

“I have a PS5 at home.”

That was Little Timmy’s contribution to the Grand Canyon discussion. Where was I supposed to go with that? I nodded, smiled, said good for you and dove back into the canyon. So now subbing kindergarten classes is off my list of things that I ever want to do again. In fact, elementary school is off my list all together. They’re easier to herd but there’s so many rules and codes that differ from school to school that it gives me anxiety trying to remember what 2 fingers in the air means at one school (bathroom) while shouting, “Class, class,” gets everyone’s attention in some schools, in other places it gets blank stares.

With elementary subbing out, that leaves middle school and high school. Oof. I’m tired just thinking about it. By the way—when did junior high become middle school? I think middle school may be my favorite…after I step on their necks. Every middle school class I’ve ever subbed, I have to go into the classroom and establish my dominance, which usually means choosing a sacrificial lamb. The one poor mope who’s going to take the punishment for the masses so that I can have a bit of peace the rest of the day. After I send one to the office, the rest usually fall in line and then we can chat about all the weird stuff in their heads. All I have to do is sit at a table with them and ask, “So, what’s the tea?” Let me tell you, middle schoolers are some tea spillers. Who likes who, who’s going to fight who, who’s the teacher that they hate the most. They spill it all…

But it’s not enough to make me stay in the teaching game. I’m horrified that kids can’t write cursive, count coins or read analog clocks. I was on a mission for about 2 weeks to spend a few minutes each class teaching the clock. Some got it, most didn’t. I tried.

I got a plan cooking that will allow me to preserve my mental energy for my creativity, work from my lovely home (my most recent creative endeavor) and make a little more loot all at the same time. Seems too good to be true? I don’t know, but it’s a risk worth taking.