Dona E. Bowens

We got some bad ads out there, friends. When did everything get so slap-sticky? Now that even streaming services force us to endure commercial breaks, have you noticed how completely asinine most commercials are? Complete, juvenile shit. I was abused with an ad the other day, I guess it was for a bank, because some guy shouts, “LOAN CANNON,” before a “loan cannon” starts firing off money at people who toppled over upon impact. What. The. Actual. Fuck? Who is that ad targeting? Whoever finds that ad amusing doesn’t have the credit rating to actually secure a loan of any type. Believe that.

And how about that ad, I can’t even remember what product was being slung (which is the sign of a horrible ad campaign) but in the ad normal sized people keep finding Lilliputian-sized people in the glove compartments of their cars or in other small, unexpected spaces. The tiny people are sitting at desks and working, I guess. It’s bizarre. I feel bizarre writing about it. I guess it’s supposed to be funny when the man opens the glove compartment and has a chat with a tiny person inside who then hands him a tiny cup of coffee. I’m knee-slapping and rolling on the floor as I type this—NOT. But above all else, what is being sold? Hell if I know. I’m just annoyed by the stupidity of it all. I think it’s for an insurance company. An insurance company that I would never trust with my welfare because their ads make zero sense. Bring back that brotha with the deep voice who used to tell me I’d be in good hands with AllState. I believed him.

Speaking of brothas, why is everything from tacos to tampons being hyped by three Black men. Those men being Kevin “Never Been Funny” Hart, Shaq and Patrick Mahomes. Are they not making enough money so they have to pick up side jobs hyping sandwiches and…what’s that “little General” thing Shaq reps? Again, can’t remember what’s being sold, just remember gigantic Shaq chatting with a tiny animated general.

I’m on a personal crusade NOT to buy any product repped by a dumb-ass commercial. Liberty Mutual is grandfathered in, unfortunately, because I had a relationship with them before they hired the emu. I didn’t need much encouragement to buy Capt. Crunch cereal because I’m nutritionally 9 years-old. However, when I saw their tastefully done, throwback commercial talking about, “You remember us. We’ve been here for breakfast since Carter was in the White House.” When I saw that ad, I knew I’d be having the Capt. for breakfast…and probably for dinner, too, if I’m honest.

Where’s Don Draper when you need him?