Dona E. Bowens

Way back in the day when I used to be an addictions counselor, there was one man who came through my group that said something that has always stayed with me. He said that he gauged the quality of his life by how many keys he had. If things were going well, he was spoiled for all the keys he possessed. Keys to a home, car and, if need be, keys to the job. However, if his life was in the toilet, he didn’t have a key to a goddamn thing. I remember this man every time I’m about to make a big leap. I remember him because, before every leap into the unknown, I must first become keyless.

The house is on the market, y’all and I hope that key gets gone quickly. Next up will be the car, and that key will go quicker than the house key…then I’ll be keyless….unfettered and privileged. The dude from my group got keyless through a series of unfortunate incidents, to put it crassly. I, on the other hand, am choosing to be key-free. For a moment, anyway.

Many of y’all have slid into my DMs asking the same questions. I can be cryptic, especially as I’m making moves. I kinda have this “shut up and get ‘er done” attitude when making change…mostly. Now, my inner-circle of girls, I wear out with my worrying. (The 1st chivito is on me ladies.) But as for my wider world…I get cryptic.

So, let me state plainly for those who may have missed it. I’m moving to Montevideo, Uruguay. I leave with a one-way ticket on August 21st. I know one person there, hey Dana! We go back to Barcelona. Dana is the crazy woman who passed me Neymar as a student. The question I’ve been asking for years is, “Why in the hot place would you give up Neymar as a student???” But she did, because she’s generous like that.

I don’t know if I’m coming back. For a visit, sure, but to live? Nah, probably not. Damn, America. This shit isn’t going to get any better and millions will suffer. Selfishly, I cannot be here for that. I soothe my guilt by saying, “Hopefully, someone will say if Dona can bounce, so can I.” Hopefully, some of y’all will come and visit and stay awhiiiiillllle. I’ll leave the light on for you.

Why Uruguay? I’ve always had a curiosity about what’s going on down there. I wanted a place with a European feel without European prices. I wanted a place where I can maintain my Spanish, as crippled as it is. I need a place with less bureaucracy than Spain when it comes to obtaining legal status. Spanish red tape is on full display in this short video. Uruguay wants English teachers and have made the residency process all about common sense. Furthermore, Uruguay seems to be a country of goddamn, meat loving hippies. Meat loving hippies, I said. Whoever heard of such a thing? They’re doing common sense down there and I need to be a part of it. But please, I ask that you keep this little gem called Uruguay under your hat because, next thing you know, every Karen and her Stanley Cup will be down there fucking up the vibe.